Needle Thin

For 10 years, I stabbed myself ,on average, 4 times a day. 

I’ve been diabetic for 11 years. That’s almost the same amount of time for a person to go through the school system. I guess in October of this year, it’ll be my graduation. But I’m not leaving anything behind; I’m not escaping anything.

The other night, I looked up “how long can a diabetic live without insulin?” The answers differed depending on the variables. But the conclusion for me was this:

1 week.

There isn’t much data to support this, as most diabetics don’t experiment with death on purpose. But estimations were that I would survive maybe one week, more or less.

So a vial is my source of life. But how I use it, that decides whether I live. Too much can kill me; too little can kill me.

My survival is based on numbers. The amount of carbs I guess I eat determines the amount of insulin I give myself. I’m playing a number game with death. One mistake can lead to seizures and eventually a coma if left untreated.

I’m fighting for my life everyday.

I guess life really is just about surviving for me.

But I will survive.

In response to The Daily Post’s prompt: Survival


Why Now?

For a couple of years now, I’ve been wanting to start a journal, a diary, a blog. Anything. But I “never got around to it.” Truth is, I’ve always felt embarrassed. I’ve never been a “good writer.” I saw my thoughts and experiences as irrelevant. But I understand now.

I matter too.

Nobody may care about what I have to say, or what I’ve experienced. But I feel as if this is the therapy I’ve been needing for awhile now.

I need to find myself.

I don’t know who I am, or who I want to be. I don’t see myself as someone with any talents. I don’t have hobbies. I don’t play sports. I don’t have any best friends; I barely have friends period.

But I don’t want to be stuck describing myself as the person who “doesn’t.” I want to have something. I want to be something.

I feel like I’ll be able to accept myself if I can finally understand myself. That’s what I want from this blog.

I want to become me.